Wednesday, February 10, 2010

SNOWBOMATRON IS HUNGRY!



Well well well...It's been a while. Snowpocolypse has brought me to the brink of death and has made me examine my life. Upon this introspection I realized I have been ignoring many things in life; my hygiene, my conscience, and my blog. So to it's time to Adam Lambert this bitch with some funny thoughts either spawned from my gooey brain or overheard in others colloquy:
  1. Mentally handicapped children smell like dodge balls.
  2. Googling a girl is really creepy, but Binging her is absolutely filthy.
  3. If anyone uses the word 'lifestyle' distrust them.
  4. I used to date a Jamaican girl. I could never take her seriously. Every time she spoke I just laughed; I couldn't stop thinking of the crab from the Little Mermaid.
  5. Celebrities make a lot of money. They make money even after they die too; Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger. But I guess I shouldn't be surprised though, because Berny made like 3 movies over 5 weekends and he died before he was even famous.
  6. I had a really crazy trip one time. I started peaking right when I was taking a huge poop. Since then, whenever I take big poos, I have flashbacks...it makes me poo harder.
  7. The sole existence of smart phones is to prove people wrong.
  8. Doggy Style- it's just one lean-back away from reverse cow girl.
  9. He's the kind of guy that mispronounces things on porpoise
  10. I randomly heard the end of some guy's conversation the other day; "They're on my list of people to facebook..." That was creepy.
Thoughts? Questions? Comments?

It's snowing pretty hard here, so I'm gonna go pee in it.

Monday, November 16, 2009




Ahhhh the warm and estrogenical comforts of the blogosphere. Since the conception of this face melter of a blog, I have found myself conversing about my blog with others, who I find on occasion also live a secret life as your average huMAN by day and blogger by "those times at work you don't feel like working". On that note, I really hope no one from work reads this...or notices the time it was posted...fuck.
Anyway, I come to you this week with a couple of ideas I would like bounced back to me. I feel like I always have these great ideas for websites, songs, hilarious one liners, all too soon forgotten to back reaches of my head movies. But these have actually stuck with me...They're not funny, but I think they could be useful...

1) An IMDB like site for musicians: Basically I was thinking that musicians could have a site where they post all their accomplishments such as writing or production credits, and what bands they have performed in. This could take a lot of guess work out random auditions that are on Craigs List, and could help musicians trying to get actual jobs create some sort of portfolio.

2) A Supper Club Website: So this would solve the problems of friends getting together for dinner and then splitting the check 75 ways. This site would allow friends to make a group and create a paypal like account that could be used at restaurants that signed up to partner with the site. Sort of like a debit card, but more like a renewable gift card that could be used at any of the listed establishments. It could also have a calender app that would allow friends to schedule the dinners on a group calender, and allow them to check of places they have already been to. This way, when they show up at their preordained grub hub they only have to pay with one card, and everyone already knows how much dough they will be spending.

Thoughts? Comments? If I get good feedback, I have some monotheistic friends that might be interested in financing such an endeavor...
STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT POST: to be discussed, "why do rich girls have such soft skin?", "is Engrish an official language?"

Thursday, November 5, 2009

You Look Like Tracy Jordan


I was standing at an atm on Broadway the other, and I hate atms, I don't like seeing how much money I have. It usually embarrasses me how loaded I am. That was the first of many jokes by the way. As I was at the atm, I noticed the guy next to me look at the atm, type all his info in, and proceed to get his receipt. Upon receipt of the receipt (stay with me now) he looks at the piece of paper, stared back at the atm, stared back at the piece of paper, and then walked slowly away, glancing back at the machine over his shoulder like a scorned lover. It almost seemed like he thought maybe the atm was playing a joke on him and at any momemt the Automated Teller Machine would proceed to spew out hundreds of dollars. I was sad, he was sad, and the atm felt really bad about it, but it just wasn't ready to be in that kind of relationship.

On another note, I feel like if my grandmother ever saw 30 Rock, and then randomly saw Tracy Morgan on the street, she would definitely wag a finger in his face and in her best voice reminiscent of Adam Sandler's fabled Stroke Your Cock and Balls G'Ma, proclaim, "You looke like that Tracy Jordan fellah!".......do it for your momma

Monday, November 2, 2009

Chop my Perry

Background: Born in NC, cultured in DC, starved in NY.
I am here to relay my struggles not only as an artist, but as a recent college graduate trying to balance:

Being Funny, Making Money, Rubbin Tummies


WHY SHOULD YOU CONTINUE?
The years after college are hard, long, and Penetrating. It is nice to know your not the only one going through FEELINGS OF BEING LOST

So, follow me as I get lost in NY, trying to figure out on a second to second, minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day, week to week, fortnight to fortnight, month to month, equinox to equinox, year to year, leap year to leap yearly basis of what I WANT DO with my young, nubile, liberal arts educated life. This could be anything from me posting ideas for standup, versions or lyrics to songs I'm writing, business ideas, and just general observations. PLEASE TELL ME IF MY BLOG IS ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:
HILARIOUS
SAD
ANGRY
STARVING
BORING
CREEPY
POINTLESS
STEALING YOUR LEFT OVER PIZZA EVEN THOUGH YOU MARKED IT PERSONALLY IN THE FRIDGE